The Next Day

Logan decided that he needs more time. He's not ready for a relationship. He's not ready for a relationship... with me. That line hurt.

I reminded him so much of his ex.

I think I reminded him of the conflict he experienced with his ex that he wasn't ready for. He's not sure how to manage conflict. How to show up when someone is hurt. How to respond when someone expresses their feelings.

When it's going well, it's easy. It flows. But when conflict appears, so does the same behaviors. I express that I'm upset. He feels like he can't be himself. Then he runs. He can't handle it. It reminds him that something is going to end. So he'll end it first so he's not hurt. Because divorce is too fresh. He knows how far lost he was. He feels those same feelings with me (transference) because he has not resolved his old wounds.

And here I am, as collateral.

This ending doesn't hurt as much as Ryan. Partially because I think I knew that Logan wasn't ready. I wanted to believe him when he said he was ready. And I'll believe him now when he says he's not ready. I'm not going to convince him otherwise. 

If he can't stay to have the difficult conversations and work it through together, it will never work. Marriage, children. Those are hard moments. One comment about a word, should be a manageable conversation. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that bothered you. I understand you value having a relationship with me and words matter. I want you to feel valued. I won't joke about that again." Done. Considering my feelings. Moving on. It's such a little argument when there are much bigger arguments to have. How can I trust you to stay in the hard times?

I think it doesn't hurt as much because I could see the reality with Logan with some blinders on. I am grieving the possibility again. That's what hurts the most. There was potential for a family unit. Marriage. A happy future. And it's gone.

Well, no, not completely. It just looks different. My family looks different. It's still happy. I'm a happy mama. I show up for my child. I show up for myself. And I'm very grounded. So I'll get through this.

Don't date for potential. Date the person you're with. The person I was with wasn't ready. He might never be ready for me. And that's okay. I did the best I could. I tried to work through my anxieties (another post), and I'm still trying. Some work, you can only do with a partner. Now some reflection, then moving onto something new. Maybe love. Who knows. I'll keep trying. Because I'm worthy of love.

I feel hurt. 

I should be able to express my feelings to my partner and have it be received with care and understanding.

Words have power. We are accountable for our words and behaviors.

I'm left alone now to deal with my feelings of hurt and pick up the pieces.

I wanted to build a future with you. I could see the possibility of kids, family, and marriage with you. I could dream again about it. I wanted to trust and believe in it.

If you notice patterns in your relationship selection, figure out what's the common denominator. That trigger, how you feel, then process it. Then come back.

But you decided not to come back. You decided to leave instead of stay so I'm feeling hurt.

You need to do what's best for you. And if that's space and time, then take it. I'll give that to you. You're not ready for me.

Ok, I believe you. I really liked you. I still like you. I still want to hope. That's okay. I'll let go in time, as the distance and silence grows.

My peace is important. My family is important. I will survive. I will be mindful of this next time. I will take the time to reflect before bringing someone into my world too.

I admire that you are (hopefully) taking time to self-reflect and heal. I hope you do. I won't wait for you. If you're not ready for me now, how will you be ready for me then? If ever.

Date 1 - Silver Stamp, pizza at Good Pie, ReBar, Velveteen rabbit. Kisses by the van.

Date 2 - area 15. Sharing nachos and talk of physics. Arcade, candy shop, kisses, 10 and 2. Consent questions. Video game bar and legs across your lap.

Date 3 - the Sunday. You held me as I cried. I grieved the family unit. No make up. You saw me. Comforted by you. We snuggled. Everything felt right.

Date 4 - you cooked for me. Orange chicken, broccoli, rice. The time traveling hammock. Magic hands. Healing my cramps. Strip Jenga. Sharing records. Roberta Flack.

Date 5 - Bogey's and billiards. Venting about the day. My legs in your lap. My opening up and being myself.

Date 6 - Planetarium and Pops cheesesteaks. 

Date 7 - my birthday hangout with breakfast Cafe Landwer, reading and his work. Spending time at coffee shops, naps, cuddles and all the orgasms. 

Date 8 - I met you at Silver Stamp dressed up. The hedgehog thing I wanted to steal. The pirate bar. Making out. The intense car make out. Dominating you.

Date 9 - Nevada Brew works, eating pizza and wings. Going over to your place for hot sauce challenge, cuddles. The feet rubs. The sexy times. "Do you really want to talk about my favorite vacation?"

Date 10 - Awkward meeting at Ramen Boys, but the fun band next door with island cruise drinks. That was fun. Lots of kisses.

Date 11 - sushi restaurant next to his house, the whiskey bar after with chicken tacos, and cuddles at his place.

Date 12 - La Neta and our first disagreement. I needed exclusivity and communication. "Our first impasse."

Date 13 - Honey Salt and cuddles.

Coming over to your place to clean out the garage. Doing everyday life with you would be easy. Except, could it go beyond surface level if you don't let me in?