Love in Action

Logan decided that he needs more time. He's not ready for a relationship. He's not ready for a relationship... with me. That line hurt. I reminded him so much of his ex. I think I reminded him of the conflict he experienced with his ex that he wasn't ready for. He's not sure how to manage conflict. How to show up when someone is hurt. How to respond when someone expresses their feelings. When it's going well, it's easy. It flows. But when conflict appears, so does the same behaviors. I express that I'm upset. He feels like he can't be himself. Then he runs. He can't handle it. It reminds him that something is going to end. So he'll end it first so he's not hurt. Because divorce is too fresh. He knows how far lost he was. He feels those same feelings with me (transference) because he has not resolved his old wounds. And here I am, as collateral. This ending doesn't hurt as much as Ryan. Partially because I think I knew that Logan wasn'...

We're exclusive. Have been since Easter Sunday. Then a whole day and afternoon on my birthday. Omg the birthday sex... If this lives in posterity, I'm sorry (not sorry), everyone. But multiple orgasms. Yes, yes, yes, yes. <3 "You're not falling alone." Now that I got that out of my system. I feel a little more clear-headed. I'm seeking compatibility now. Connection and communication. What do I need? Definitely daily communication. How much? Uncertain. I love the nightly phone call. I want to text throughout the day to share things. Perhaps I write these thoughts down to share at the end of the night. Gives us something to talk about and allows for his independence. And mine. Then I move along with my day and share during a dedicated time where we can have our complete undivided attention on each other. Do I require his immediate response? No.  What are your communication needs? Am I meeting those needs? "It's just semantics". It's not. I...

Look, he's so fucking sexy. I cannot help myself.  Plus, his confessions.  "If I give you my heart, will you break it?" "Oh. I'm not here to break your heart. I'm here to protect it." "Then I choose you. I'm all in." "I'm so infatuated with you." "We're beyond casual. It's special." My heart seriously freaked out. He says all the right things. He makes me tea. Checks in with me. Friday was Jim Gaffigan. Then I called up Logan and met him at the Silver Stamp, dressed very classy. We walked over to Stray Pirates. Until they kicked us out. Made out my his van. He fed me cashews. Offered water. More making out, way so intense in my car. Saturday was Honey Salt, then back to his place for wine and time-traveling hammock. Magic hands. Talked, cuddled, fell asleep. Sunday was sushi, then back to his place for a sleepover. I kept my clothes on, but that did not stop him from everything. I mean everything. Basically, ...

Okay, so I did the exact opposite. Why am I so fucking impulsive?!  I did not slow down with Logan. I sped everything up. The physical, the emotional, damn. I don't regret it, but it's not doing me any favors. Why do I lead with my heart so much? (And partly my libido too...) He's worried about getting his heart broken. Meanwhile, I'm presenting mine on a fucking platter. Along with my body. I'm annoyed. Just annoyed. You know what, go talk to all the girls you want. Find what you want. If it's not me, then don't date me. If our communication doesn't match, don't bother.  I want to assimilate you into my life. I want you to join me at the park with Henry. I can see you lying on the blanket with me. I'm even considering being pregnant again... I feel like a lot of my hard 'no's weren't even very hard to begin with. But if you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Life is too short. I guess I'm more agreeable. Would I wan...

Logan. Oh, Logan. Is he truly ready? I know he says it, and I want to believe it.  And I want to believe it because I feel like I want to complete my family unit. I want a partner who is ready. Who wants a child. Who wants to know more about me and my day. Logan has told me, he likes me. He wants to go on dates. He's embarrassed to confess that he has been divorced. That he's terrible with texting, but wants to make an effort with me. He is a Christian. Well-spoken. Charming. Excellent kisser and cuddler. Listens without trying to fix. We need to slow down some of the physical. We need to be exclusive before that. I also want to make sure he is STD safe because he said he is dating right now. He hasn't committed to anyone. He says he can be callous. That he holds close to his heart. Doesn't open unless he wants to. So I don't know how receptive to the process he is. Jury is still out. How can you commit to someone if people don't know you're divorced, AKA av...

So Logan. Are we aligned? He wants a relationship, but wants to move slow emotionally. Which means I'll have to slow down the physical to match the pace, so I don't get hurt. I told him I cannot separate the physical from the emotional. He's a Christian, but respects my views. We should have the dealbreaker conversation next. So I have a child, but do you want more? Would you regret not having your own child? Do you want to be remarried? Exclusive and testing before sex. How do you feel about that? Daily communication. Would you be able to meet me on this need? I think we are fairly compatible. We have fun together. He's witty, smart, attractive. Nervous about falling in love. We'll see how that goes. I'm open-minded.