Love in Action

Look, he's so fucking sexy. I cannot help myself.  Plus, his confessions.  "If I give you my heart, will you break it?" "Oh. I'm not here to break your heart. I'm here to protect it." "Then I choose you. I'm all in." "I'm so infatuated with you." "We're beyond casual. It's special." My heart seriously freaked out. He says all the right things. He makes me tea. Checks in with me. Friday was Jim Gaffigan. Then I called up Logan and met him at the Silver Stamp, dressed very classy. We walked over to Stray Pirates. Until they kicked us out. Made out my his van. He fed me cashews. Offered water. More making out, way so intense in my car. Saturday was Honey Salt, then back to his place for wine and time-traveling hammock. Magic hands. Talked, cuddled, fell asleep. Sunday was sushi, then back to his place for a sleepover. I kept my clothes on, but that did not stop him from everything. I mean everything. Basically, ...

Okay, so I did the exact opposite. Why am I so fucking impulsive?!  I did not slow down with Logan. I sped everything up. The physical, the emotional, damn. I don't regret it, but it's not doing me any favors. Why do I lead with my heart so much? (And partly my libido too...) He's worried about getting his heart broken. Meanwhile, I'm presenting mine on a fucking platter. Along with my body. I'm annoyed. Just annoyed. You know what, go talk to all the girls you want. Find what you want. If it's not me, then don't date me. If our communication doesn't match, don't bother.  I want to assimilate you into my life. I want you to join me at the park with Henry. I can see you lying on the blanket with me. I'm even considering being pregnant again... I feel like a lot of my hard 'no's weren't even very hard to begin with. But if you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Life is too short. I guess I'm more agreeable. Would I wan...

Logan. Oh, Logan. Is he truly ready? I know he says it, and I want to believe it.  And I want to believe it because I feel like I want to complete my family unit. I want a partner who is ready. Who wants a child. Who wants to know more about me and my day. Logan has told me, he likes me. He wants to go on dates. He's embarrassed to confess that he has been divorced. That he's terrible with texting, but wants to make an effort with me. He is a Christian. Well-spoken. Charming. Excellent kisser and cuddler. Listens without trying to fix. We need to slow down some of the physical. We need to be exclusive before that. I also want to make sure he is STD safe because he said he is dating right now. He hasn't committed to anyone. He says he can be callous. That he holds close to his heart. Doesn't open unless he wants to. So I don't know how receptive to the process he is. Jury is still out. How can you commit to someone if people don't know you're divorced, AKA av...

So Logan. Are we aligned? He wants a relationship, but wants to move slow emotionally. Which means I'll have to slow down the physical to match the pace, so I don't get hurt. I told him I cannot separate the physical from the emotional. He's a Christian, but respects my views. We should have the dealbreaker conversation next. So I have a child, but do you want more? Would you regret not having your own child? Do you want to be remarried? Exclusive and testing before sex. How do you feel about that? Daily communication. Would you be able to meet me on this need? I think we are fairly compatible. We have fun together. He's witty, smart, attractive. Nervous about falling in love. We'll see how that goes. I'm open-minded.

Knowing what you want in the dating field is so important. If you have no idea what you want, how could you possibly align with someone else? Their intentions and goals. Dating questions are difficult for me though. I know myself. Communicating that to someone new is difficult. What do I want you to know? What's something I should know about you? I'm still sitting with those questions. Okay, to write it out: Ryan and I have ended our situationship. He ghosted me after a slow fade. I went over on the first Sunday when Henry had an overnight with Dad. I went to work, then went to Ryan's for a sleepover. No, we didn't have intercourse, but we did get hot and heavy. He touched me so deeply. Him on top of my chest (so hot). I went down on him to climax. Licked him after. The only part missing was my pleasure...  which pretty much sums up why we wouldn't work. Ryan was always concerned with what he could get out of our relationship. He did not offer emotional safety. He w...