Alignment

Knowing what you want in the dating field is so important. If you have no idea what you want, how could you possibly align with someone else? Their intentions and goals.

Dating questions are difficult for me though. I know myself. Communicating that to someone new is difficult. What do I want you to know? What's something I should know about you? I'm still sitting with those questions.

Okay, to write it out: Ryan and I have ended our situationship. He ghosted me after a slow fade. I went over on the first Sunday when Henry had an overnight with Dad. I went to work, then went to Ryan's for a sleepover. No, we didn't have intercourse, but we did get hot and heavy. He touched me so deeply. Him on top of my chest (so hot). I went down on him to climax. Licked him after. The only part missing was my pleasure... 

which pretty much sums up why we wouldn't work. Ryan was always concerned with what he could get out of our relationship. He did not offer emotional safety. He was never concerned with taking care of me. He could learn about me, mention it here and there to seem like he knew me, breadcrumb me with a text (intermittent reinforcement), but he wasn't concerned with protecting my heart. I cried in front of him, and we instead focused on handjobs in the car, kisses, while it messed with my head and heart. It was dysfunctional and intense, which is what I was used to. I confused that intensity with connection.

Let me see the situationship for what I was: we started casual dating. I wanted more. Figured out real quick that I'm not looking for casual. He wanted to maintain casual. Told me he wasn't emotionally available. Fun dates, easy sex, no emotion. He wanted the big highs (Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day). Obviously, we were not compatible. No matter how much I was interested in his life story, his past, the fun connection I thought we made over shared interests as friends, he was NOT a good friend. 

He didn't care about me. I cared about him. I didn't know him. I wanted to see the man who was there during that first month of dating. The one who wanted to be my Christmas date. The man who made my heart skip when he told me "everyone feels that way sometimes" in the dead of night. The man who I thought was a romantic, especially the fire pit moment, the Valentine's Day date, but never existed. Only the man in my head who wanted to cuddle me till I fell asleep in my jammies. The man who asked about my child, but never his name. He built an image that he could never fulfill. And obviously didn't want to.

It's hard to forget the fantasy. I'm grieving the fantasy. It means I have to let go of that potential. Ryan not seeing a future with me doesn't mean I don't have a future in love. I just means we weren't compatible and didn't align. It also mean I need to hold tighter to my boundaries so I make sure I am compatible with someone BEFORE I am intimate with them. Because I cannot separate the two: the physical and the emotional.

So I sent Ryan a message. It was heartfelt, and maybe it went to the void. I'll never know. He was right to stop talking to me. Mom says it was the best thing he could have done. She's right. I was just dragging it on. I knew it wasn't right for me. It was starting to hurt more than it helped. I do wish we could have been friends.

Now I know: have the shared goals, intention, and "what are you looking for" conversation very early on. Make sure to figure out compatibility. Exclusivity before sex. Make it known that I want a long-term committed relationship. Listen very carefully for the response.

I'm moving on. Dating other people. Had some bad dates. This first experience after divorce... it hit harder than I thought it would. But now my tears are dry. I can see the relationship for what it was, and it wasn't a relationship. It was a gray zone that I never want to be in again.