Thoughts

I like you. I'm not dating anyone else. I'm not having sex with anyone else. I only want to have sex with you. I cannot separate sex from the emotional experience. I can casually date, but not have casual sex. I want to be exclusive.

You haven't confessed liking me at all. You are still on the dating apps and paying for them. You say you're not dating anyone else or having sex, but it seems like you are entertaining options should they arise. You're not ready to be exclusive. You're not there yet, but you think your walls are slowly coming down. You're not sure if you're emotionally available.

It's easy to text when you're bored. When you're watching something and feel lonely. When you have downtime during your day. You don't necessarily seek me out to build connection. I'm kept on the backburner.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

I'm giving too much of myself without little in return.

I need to set my own boundaries, and no matter what I will be okay with whatever happens.

Being aware and expressing my feelings is one of my strengths. I am honest and open.

I don't want to pressure him. I'll give him a chance and see this through. It's okay to give him time to assess.

How much time am I willing to give? I'm willing to give a lot of time, as long as I'm not sacrificing myself too. I can continue to casually date Ryan. However, does this mean I'm not making time for someone else?

Am I looking for serious? I would like a serious relationship with Ryan. He's a good guy. He struggles with opening up.

I jumped into this because I was excited, and that's okay. I need to back off of the physical. It's clouding my judgment. It's confusing me, as I'm tying physical = emotional. I've got toys; it's okay. And I've expressed that I require two things: exclusivity and an STD test. I also require condoms, but I'm carrying those on me. I need to be safe, and one moment cannot define my life. It's okay to have this boundary.

If anything, this first experience of dating has taught me a lot about myself and what I feel comfortable with. It's been an evolving experience.

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